Notebook's Stories: Allie's Story - "Why Can't I Come Out to Play?"
August2009
 Today I went to the bank and as I waiting in line, I noticed three young children playing by the door while waiting for their Mum. Something deep inside me stirred and an internal voice wanted desperately to sit down beside them - yes on the floor and play their games with them like a 5 year old. Cecilia - or CeeCee, that's what this internal person calls herself - has made her presence known at other times, but never so deeply, desperately as then. She was begging to be allowed to go and play. As I hurriedly left the bank, I knew I had to get some help ... I wandered through many Doctor's offices who referred me to Psychologists, friends, Counselling Centres, etc until finally, I found someone who understood where my pain was .... and didn't insult me with the statement: 'it's all in your mind; Just learn to think right and you'll be right!'. Finally .... finally .... through a friend of a friend ... (you know how those 'God-incidences go?) I made connection with a special, qualified counsellor. She taught me the basics as to 'How little 'CC' even came into being. (See Special Report) Coming from a violent, abusive family, I wasn't surprised to learn that 'CC' has other playmates inside me in 'The Network' of other little ones ... but that's another whole page. Let's stay with what I learned about 'CC'. Without any mothering and little nurturing, or not even being gently touched as a child, I found CC in me responding to my Counsellor in ways I didn't understand at first. The sound of the counsellor's patient, encouraging voice ... her smiles, being able to bring Ginger, my favourite teddy bear .... all these elements began to bring 'CC' to the surface more and more. As I curled up in my favourite chair, I was amazed at my little girl voice that would tell my story - but from the 5 year-old's point of view. Once I got past the denial and the "Don't tell anyone!" fears, I saw a whole new perspective - one that had been hidden and buried from the real, adult me. As each painful memory came to the surface and became part of my understanding, I could see how much pain CeeCee had carried, so that the 'real' me wouldn't feel the trauma .... but all that had to change. I needed to understand the process better to get whole. As I continued to see that I had so disconnected from myself, it was as though 'I' had ceased to exist. Self-rejection grew until that was the ultimate escape from the unbearable pain of not being loved and accepted by my family. Self-loathing and shame had become companions to my heart's way of looking at life I really believed that "God had stuffed up big time letting me be born. I was an accident and the parents He had given me were the all time biggest joke in the world.' Because I couldn't trust His decisions on those facts, how could I trust Him with anything? I was a stuffed-up mess of self-rejection! I had never seen the depths of this before or even shared much of my story out loud. I had to learn to quiet 'the adult me' who was saying "This is stupid, ridiculous, etc." As I saw the core beliefs of my heart, I slid to the floor and curled up in a foetal position and sobbed. My Counsellor quietly slipped to the floor beside me and gently just touched my hair. I had never experienced this loving touch before .... As my counsellor introduced Creator God into CC's story, then CC responded by 'trading' her false beliefs and self-talk for God's treasures. That's when I, Allie, asked God to see how He really saw CeeCee ... and to take away the pain so we both could be free. I saw a picture of the Lord Jesus come and sit down beside CeeCee. She even let Him lift her onto His lap and just hold her. I began to hear Him singing to her and slowly, she relaxed. When she was ready, He gave her a dandelion stem, filled with seeds and ready to be blown away ... (Did you notice, that's the picture I began with in this story?) She could now let go of the pain she had carried for so long because now I understood; she was 'integrated' into my consciousness. I can now remember the trauma, but without the pain I once had. I asked CeeCee, my heart and Creator God to forgive me for accepting the lies I had kept and believed deep inside. One of the biggest things I have learned, getting to know the Network of little ones, is that they were formed to help me survive and cope with the trauma of my painful childhood - they are not my enemies at all! By recognising their role and trying to appreciate how they came into being, I have reached another layer of freedom. I know this change in attitude has allowed me to handle the 'discussions' - the debates and arguments within the Network - better because I can see their role now and the job they took on to help me survive and cope. I guess you could say I've made peace with them. We have found Creator God has unconditi0onally accepted every part and even given us some fun projects to work through. We are finally learning that is a better way to handle the fears and hurts of the past. |
I can't say my whole journey is completed.
I know I am not totally healed, but at least my inner system
had learned to trust the true Lord Jesus more and more ... and 'I see
light at the end of my tunnel'.
Thanks for letting me share my story. I hope this helps others out there.
On my journey, Allie
PS. I like to keep this picture in memory of CeeCee so I can see God's world is a special place - He has miracle dandelions!
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Copyright 2009 From the Mentor’s Notebook on Personal Growth Issues', www.mentorsnotebook.com – All Rights Reserved.
From the Mentor's Notebook, August/October Edition, Page 4
Thanks for letting me share my story. I hope this helps others out there.
On my journey, Allie
PS. I like to keep this picture in memory of CeeCee so I can see God's world is a special place - He has miracle dandelions!
*****
*****Copyright 2009 From the Mentor’s Notebook on Personal Growth Issues', www.mentorsnotebook.com – All Rights Reserved.
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